I have discovered a whole new “civil rights group” that needs special coddling and care…Adults who “self-identify” as infants and toddlers.
For far too long, we have taken for granted the plight of adults who act like spoiled rotten, self-indulgent, narcissistic children and believe the world owes them and should cater to their whims. Regardless of how tripe, ridiculous, and inane their beliefs and demands, Americans can no longer ignore, nor slight the perceived rights of this segment of society (their number could be as high as .03%, meaning 99.97% of our neighbors need to be punished, mocked and scorned for their dismissive attitude toward adults who self-identify as infants).
Some will attack this commentary, dismissing my concerns and attacking me as foolish, silly and sick. Some will demean me for suggesting we protect and offer civil rights protection to this new group of “self-identifying adult infants”! I know you are out there and I want you to know that, because you disagree with me, you are ignorant, bigoted, prejudiced, hateful, and have no concept of what it means to “love thy neighbor”! You live in your little bubble world where you expect adults to act like adults. You have no right to criticize my concerns, especially since some of you do not know and have never met an adult who self-identifies as an infant or toddler (of course, parents and college professors who know college millennials demanding “safe-spaces” may identify similar infantile characteristics in them).
I am demanding sensitivity to my new civil rights group. They have a right for their cries to be heard. They have the right to be treated as normal and their demands to be fed from giant baby bottles and have super-sized adult-diaper changing tables installed in public buildings, mall restrooms, showers and locker rooms must be accommodated.
For those sensitive to the plight of adults who “self-identify as infants and toddlers”, I invite you to join me in the following demands.
1) I propose diaper changing tables for adults who self-identify as infants be installed in all restrooms of public buildings, including public schools and shopping malls.
2) I propose that shopping mall playgrounds no longer slight and deny the civil rights of adults who self-identify as toddlers. They have the right to run, jump and play on frogs, hamburgers, and hot dogs. For far too long, shopping malls have been allowed to discriminate against children taller than 42 inches!
3) I propose that adults who self-identify as toddlers and children be given special protections under federal law, including the provision of adult car seats, restaurant high chairs, and strollers.
4) I further propose that adults who self-identify as infants and toddlers not be discriminated against for employment or housing. Dirty diaper or not, it is mean and discriminatory to judge people by their appearance or delusion!
Finally, I am calling for President Obama, the Department of Justice, the Department of Education, and presumptive Democratic nominee for president, Hillary Clinton, to stand up for the disenfranchised self-identifying adult infants and toddlers. I am asking TARGET, Marshalls, Ross, and other retailers to stop discriminating against adults who self-identify as infants and toddlers and install adult diaper changing tables immediately!
Who will join my cause? Who will stand up for America’s newest minority civil rights group and demand that adult diaper changing tables be installed in America’s public bathrooms?
Copyright 2016 – Travis D. Smith
- A note from the author: This satirical commentary is not meant to be a slight of those who, for medical and physical reasons, wear adult incontinence products.